The Life I Live

The Life I Live

I lie awake staring at the dark ceiling as my mind swims uncontrollably with the unadulterated reflections of my life… the soft red glow from the clock shadowing random objects into the darkness and splashing shapes across the pale colored walls. So many things are spiraling out of my control… so many tears have streamed down my aging face… the endless sleepless nights constantly haunt my mind. I can’t seem to get it right… any of it. After all these years of living you would think that I would have finally figured out the magic spell to make everything happen the way I dream it to be… but I just can’t quite master the elusive formula to create my own blissful happiness. Just when it seems to be within my grasp… it escapes me, like smoke sifting through my fingers. I realize that we aren’t always supposed to get what we want. If it was too easy then we would never truly appreciate just how sweet the small victories really are… joy’s meaning would be lost… or altogether non-existent. But after 49 years, two marriages, two divorces, numerous affairs, failure after failure, triumph after glorious triumph, broken bones and broken hearts, full refrigerators and empty pantries… after watching my sons grow and endure the same struggles, share in the same successes, ache from the unrelenting pain of broken hearts, overcome disappointments, marry and raise children of their own; the reality of this endless circle suddenly becomes clear and the truth is finally revealed for what it is.  

I know better than most that life is not a movie… it is not a cheap romance novel or a sweet, tender fairy tale that ends with a kiss from a handsome prince. Life is hard… life is cold… it is brutal… it is unyielding and it is cruel. But this is my life nonetheless… and this is the hand I was dealt, so I must play it until every last card has been spent. The sun rises… and the sun sets… again and again and again. Each and every morning I wake up… and as I slowly open my eyes I wonder if this day will be different… I wonder if this day will change all the days before this one and bring with it the one and only thing that my soul begs for… the single piece that is missing from my life. But it does not… and again as the sun goes down I close my eyes and pray that I will not wake… just as I have done so many nights before. I pray that as I sleep God will finally bring me home, ending all the pain that weighs down on my heavy heart and drowns my soul. But He does not… and again the sun continues to rise into the dawning sky, just as it has done for countless days before this one. Yet another day for me to strive and reach for that one lost piece that torments me… bringing with it a sliver of hope that I will finally fill the gaping hole that engulfs my soul. And again… it does not.

I no longer know what to do… I am lost in the woods with no compass to guide me through the tall and overgrown thick of the forest that envelopes me. I cry out… hoping someone will hear me. But the only sound I hear is the echo of my own voice whispering back to me… reciting the well-versed tale that burdens my existence and immerses my heart in sorrow. But this is a journey I must make alone… no matter how badly I pray for someone to save me, I know the only hero that can rescue me from this is… me. In the far off distance I can just make out the shadowed faces of my sons through the dense timberlands… I can almost hear their muffled voices carry on the wind as it blows faintly through the trees. But I know this is just an illusion… I know that I must find my own way out… this is a path that I alone must walk. And so alone I walk… struggling to navigate my way through the seemingly endless forest… and through this life… with only my experience to guide me and my blinded faith to shed a pale light on the distant end.

There are so many things I do not know… things I will never know… and things I simply do not understand. But what I have come to realize… what I have learned from all the darkness… and what I have discovered through all this light… is that we are meant to live this life every single day with the same curiosity, the same hope, the same yearning, the same heartbreak, joy, and love from the very first moment we open our eyes to this world until the last breath that escapes our dying lips. But the road is so long… its endless and daunting passage spans on forever beyond the horizon. Twisting and winding as it stretches far past our eye's limited vision... seemingly unattainable, it is most certainly impossible to reach. The terrain is treacherous... showing no mercy as we stumble and crawl over rocks and through the fathomless vales... yet we continue forward.  It is scattered with only brief fragments of peace and unimaginable beauty... giving us the illusion of hope. But this journey is far from easy… nor did we ever expect it would be. The pain always seems to outweigh the pleasure… but we do not give up… we never give up. That choice was never ours to make. And so we believe there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel, and that of which our hearts truly desire will be waiting for us at the end. Now humbled and unveiled, we continue to drive forward… day after day with only our fragile faith to light the way.

For every day that I have lived this modest and simple life… from each and every circumstance that has brought me to this very moment in time… I have accepted the fact that it simply “is what it is”… and I regret nothing. We only have but this one life… and the way we choose to live this life will determine the fate of our eternity beyond our time here. Live through the bad, and cherish the good… love through the pain, for without it we will never know the joy of its warmth. Keep your heart and your soul open no matter how shredded and tattered they may become… hold on to your faith no matter how dim its precious light may be. Take comfort in knowing that just the smallest flicker of hope will sustain even the darkest of days and light the course so we may continue our passage. 

        And this is the life I know… the life I live each and every day… the most infinitesimal fragments of hope still pushing me forward… never allowing me to abandon what’s truly important. My faith now nothing more than a faint spark illuminating the shadowed reality that encompasses my path as it unfolds in front of me… lighting the way just enough so that I can keep going, day after day after day… after day...

~ Alethea J Salazar © 2017